Graduation Blues

Most students have one common ultimate goal: to graduate. Some may be able to do it on time, and some may have taken a couple more years to do it. But nevertheless, it’s all the same.

I was supposed to graduate last year, but I had a problem with one of my major subjects; I wasn’t allowed to take it yet at that time. It was a prerequisite for my thesis subject, so you could say it was really a big deal. That got me delayed; but come to think of it, everything went better for me, even if it took more time. The glory of waiting…. patience is indeed a virtue.


 

Yesterday was the day that my thesis adviser set for me to pick-up my thesis (final draft). After meeting with her, I was to check for revisions, edit them, and (finally) bind my thesis. Of course, I went to school, all excited and nervous; just to be disappointed that she wasn’t there. I went in the morning, and the staff in her office told me to go back later in the afternoon, for she was still in a meeting. I came back hours later, and then the staff finally told me she wasn’t going to come to school anymore. I was so pissed off. Thinking about it now (today) makes me laugh. Patience is a virtue. I can’t reiterate it enough.

I went to school again a while ago. I prayed before I came in. And I got lucky. I came inside my adviser’s office and waited outside her room, and then she called my name. She didn’t see me yet, but surprisingly, she already knew who I was. What surprised me more was that she called me by my first name. It was the first time I ever heard her say it. Believe it or not. I went inside and the first thing I heard was… “Ga-graduate ka na, Anna. Congratulations!” I think I might have heard angels singing, or maybe I was just too hungry because I hadn’t eaten anything before going there. Oh well, I’d stick with the singing angels, really. Haha! I didn’t know how to respond properly. Actually, smiling and repeatedly saying thank you were all that I could come up with. What do you say when someone tells you the thing you’ve always been waiting to hear?

 

I should be happy, right? I have just been told that I’m graduating. I’ll finally be able to go up the stage and shake hands with the person who will give me a blank paper that will stand as my diploma. I’ll finally be able to wear a toga AND a sablay. I’ll finally have the bragging rights to say that I am a graduate of one of the most prestigious universities in the country. What more can I ask for? Nothing much, really.

But I just don’t seem happy anymore. I feel so detached, from everything. It’s funny how things change; I remember just a couple of days (or weeks) ago, I was writing about how blessed and happy I was with what was happening with my life. Well, I still am blessed and too grateful for all that, but I’m not sure if I am still “happy”. I can’t really feel anything anymore. Not literally, of course. But… you know what I mean. Is this normal? Is there really a “pre-graduation” phase like this, wherein you don’t get excited for everything (graduation and life after graduation) as much as you were maybe months or years ago? Can someone tell me?

 

Don’t get me wrong. I love where I’m headed, and I can’t wait for my future to start unraveling. But as to where I am now, right at this very moment, I can’t really describe it as somewhere I want to be. I want to move forward, past all this complications, and just start anew. Start fresh. Start ready. I don’t want any other drama; and frankly, I don’t need it either. I’m leaving everything behind to start a new life; a new life that will determine where I’m going to be in a couple of years. This all will be over soon enough. And I’m going to make sure I am ready.  For now, I’m gonna wait. Oh, scratch that. For now, I’m gonna write my acknowledgments for my thesis and then print the whole thing. Binding day tomorrow! Wish me luck?